Fashion Anxiety
I present the next example because I think it is funny and we might as well laugh while we are discussing
anxiety.
I decided long ago that I do not have any sense of fashion or taste when it comes to clothing and shoes and anything else that falls under the category of fashion. Fortunately my wife and daughter have a great sense of what looks good and so I almost always rely on them to advise me. One day however I decided to venture out on my own to buy a pair of shoes. I found some shoes in one store and I liked the way they looked (what do I know?) and they were on sale and so I bought them. I realized after the purchase that I might be wrong because I am often wrong in these things and I began to feel anxious that I had made a terrible mistake. This was my anxiety. This mistake could prove to be embarrassing. I should have returned them immediately but instead I decided to wear them when we visited our daughter who was then living in Washington, D.C.
There is an interesting dynamic in our family in terms of interpersonal interaction. My wife and daughter notice everything. They are extraordinarily observant. They may not comment on what they notice (because they are also extraordinarily polite) but they notice everything and I know this. I, on the other hand, am not observant at all except when it comes to the behavior of other people, including their non verbal behavior. I have always been observant of the behavior of others in this sense.
Because of these dynamics, much can be communicated in our family without saying a word. You just have to be ready for it. It can be fun. In this particular case I wore the shoes in question while we went to visit our daughter, who was living in Washington, D.C. at the time. My wife had already made no comment about my shoes. This was not a good sign. My wife’s lack of response strongly suggested that I made a bad choice. Nevertheless I tried to postpone final judgment until I saw my daughter’s reaction.
We met our daughter outside the hospital complex where she was working for the summer. It is always good to see her and we all hugged each other before she took us on a tour of the hospital and laboratory where she worked. As we were walking along the sidewalk back to her lab I noticed her glance down at my shoes. She said nothing but she had a very slight pained expression on her face. Like her mother, she made no comment. The message was clear. I chose badly when it came to the new shoes. I did not need to ask. I did not even want to ask. If I had asked, she would have given a very polite response which would have made me feel worse. I had all the information that I needed.
I had been anxious about my choice after making the purchase. I had been more anxious after the lack of response from my wife. And now I was even more anxious after noticing the slight pained expression on my daughter’s face. Not only had I made a bad choice but now I had to suffer the possibility that others would think that I looked foolish. I had already learned from my two most reliable sources that I looked foolish. Everyone we met would now notice my weird looking shoes. Not only had two of the most important people in my life disapproved in their own subtle way but I had to worry what everyone else in Washington D. C. would think. I became extremely self conscious, even though I knew I was blowing this issue out of proportion. I was about to meet a number of professional people and scientists. I did not look professional. I looked goofy. I had goofy looking shoes. I struggled with this angst all day and I changed my shoes as soon as we got back to our hotel room. Nothing was ever said but I experienced it all nevertheless.
Even though this is a very small, even silly issue in life, those of us who are anxious know how awful it is to live in such an unsettled way. We are concerned about what other people will think of us, especially in the areas of life in which we are insecure. For me, fashion is one of those areas. I do not understand fashion and I do not have any eye for fashion. If I have to dress for a social engagement, it may take me an hour to figure out what to wear. If my wife and daughter are not available to guide me, I become very anxious. Even when I ask them their opinion, I have to discern whether they are being polite or honest. I ask them, “Are you being polite or honest?” We have had this discussion a countless number of times.
Not long ago I bought more shoes over the internet. I had not learned my lesson apparently. I did not consult anyone. I received the shoes in the mail and could not decide if they were acceptable or not. I sent them back with a note to the seller that I had to consult with my daughter. I laugh when I think about this.
How does a person resolve this kind of anxiety and social angst? Once again it all depends on the ground of our confidence. If our confidence is based on how fashionable we are and if we have no sense of fashion, as is true in my case, then we are at high risk of anxiety whenever we dress or whenever we leave the house. What we wear and what kind of car we drive become important. People tend to accept or fail to accept us based on these kinds of things. If our confidence is based on what other people think then we are also at high risk of anxiety because one person’s sense of fashion can vary widely from another person’s sense of fashion. Our confidence or lack of confidence would then depend on who we were with at the time and whether we could discern what they thought of our apparel. All of this is a very unsteady basis for one’s well being. We need a more stable basis if we can overcome our social anxiety and in this particular case, our fashion anxiety.
I decided long ago that I do not have any sense of fashion or taste when it comes to clothing and shoes and anything else that falls under the category of fashion. Fortunately my wife and daughter have a great sense of what looks good and so I almost always rely on them to advise me. One day however I decided to venture out on my own to buy a pair of shoes. I found some shoes in one store and I liked the way they looked (what do I know?) and they were on sale and so I bought them. I realized after the purchase that I might be wrong because I am often wrong in these things and I began to feel anxious that I had made a terrible mistake. This was my anxiety. This mistake could prove to be embarrassing. I should have returned them immediately but instead I decided to wear them when we visited our daughter who was then living in Washington, D.C.
There is an interesting dynamic in our family in terms of interpersonal interaction. My wife and daughter notice everything. They are extraordinarily observant. They may not comment on what they notice (because they are also extraordinarily polite) but they notice everything and I know this. I, on the other hand, am not observant at all except when it comes to the behavior of other people, including their non verbal behavior. I have always been observant of the behavior of others in this sense.
Because of these dynamics, much can be communicated in our family without saying a word. You just have to be ready for it. It can be fun. In this particular case I wore the shoes in question while we went to visit our daughter, who was living in Washington, D.C. at the time. My wife had already made no comment about my shoes. This was not a good sign. My wife’s lack of response strongly suggested that I made a bad choice. Nevertheless I tried to postpone final judgment until I saw my daughter’s reaction.
We met our daughter outside the hospital complex where she was working for the summer. It is always good to see her and we all hugged each other before she took us on a tour of the hospital and laboratory where she worked. As we were walking along the sidewalk back to her lab I noticed her glance down at my shoes. She said nothing but she had a very slight pained expression on her face. Like her mother, she made no comment. The message was clear. I chose badly when it came to the new shoes. I did not need to ask. I did not even want to ask. If I had asked, she would have given a very polite response which would have made me feel worse. I had all the information that I needed.
I had been anxious about my choice after making the purchase. I had been more anxious after the lack of response from my wife. And now I was even more anxious after noticing the slight pained expression on my daughter’s face. Not only had I made a bad choice but now I had to suffer the possibility that others would think that I looked foolish. I had already learned from my two most reliable sources that I looked foolish. Everyone we met would now notice my weird looking shoes. Not only had two of the most important people in my life disapproved in their own subtle way but I had to worry what everyone else in Washington D. C. would think. I became extremely self conscious, even though I knew I was blowing this issue out of proportion. I was about to meet a number of professional people and scientists. I did not look professional. I looked goofy. I had goofy looking shoes. I struggled with this angst all day and I changed my shoes as soon as we got back to our hotel room. Nothing was ever said but I experienced it all nevertheless.
Even though this is a very small, even silly issue in life, those of us who are anxious know how awful it is to live in such an unsettled way. We are concerned about what other people will think of us, especially in the areas of life in which we are insecure. For me, fashion is one of those areas. I do not understand fashion and I do not have any eye for fashion. If I have to dress for a social engagement, it may take me an hour to figure out what to wear. If my wife and daughter are not available to guide me, I become very anxious. Even when I ask them their opinion, I have to discern whether they are being polite or honest. I ask them, “Are you being polite or honest?” We have had this discussion a countless number of times.
Not long ago I bought more shoes over the internet. I had not learned my lesson apparently. I did not consult anyone. I received the shoes in the mail and could not decide if they were acceptable or not. I sent them back with a note to the seller that I had to consult with my daughter. I laugh when I think about this.
How does a person resolve this kind of anxiety and social angst? Once again it all depends on the ground of our confidence. If our confidence is based on how fashionable we are and if we have no sense of fashion, as is true in my case, then we are at high risk of anxiety whenever we dress or whenever we leave the house. What we wear and what kind of car we drive become important. People tend to accept or fail to accept us based on these kinds of things. If our confidence is based on what other people think then we are also at high risk of anxiety because one person’s sense of fashion can vary widely from another person’s sense of fashion. Our confidence or lack of confidence would then depend on who we were with at the time and whether we could discern what they thought of our apparel. All of this is a very unsteady basis for one’s well being. We need a more stable basis if we can overcome our social anxiety and in this particular case, our fashion anxiety.